Acceptance

I recently attended a four-day men’s group retreat where I served as a staff member. I had attended this same retreat 7 months earlier, so my experiences where still fresh and my willingness to serve were still present. Before my feelings fade away, I figure I would jot them down in this post. What did I learn about myself at this retreat?

I love to help others, and I like to participate in activities where people find some inner strength. My hope is that they benefit as much as I have benefitted from it. I am aware that what touches me is probably different from what touches others, which is ok. But then I also love talking about processes with others, so that I learn something that I may have overlooked.   

I make a great #2 man. I am extremely good at supporting roles, but at the same time I love being close to the leaders. So, I know there’s a leader in me waiting to come out. It’s a double edge sword that I must deal with. I am afraid of full leadership because I feel I am not capable, but being close to the leaders may be my way of getting recognition.  

I like to receive praise for doing a good job. I did a few processes that were about my experience level and some of the other staffers praised me. I truly liked it. But do I try to do a good job mainly to receive praise? I am trying to do my best without people knowing it. For example, after one of the processes where I did well, I did not attend the staff meeting afterwards. Not receiving praise was ok.

I am trying to be more accepting and nonjudgmental of what others think or feel. In one of the processes, one of the participants was extremely against it and refused to do it. Even though I felt confused about his decision, I did not question his reasons. His decision is personal and whatever he felt was valid to him and I will respect it.

Regarding decisions, I am trying to be ok with mine, to not have regret either way. Whatever I choose is not good or bad, and its outcome is not good or bad. I will find a lesson in each decision I make and it’s ok if I don’t get a second chance. Back to the example of the attendee who refused to do a particular process, he questioned why I was ok with it. It took me a while to process that. Did I do it because others were doing it? Am I strong enough to say no when everyone is saying yes? I honestly do not know, but I do know that my internal value sensor was ok, so I made peace with my decision.

I am learning to be more comfortable interacting with other men. Growing up, I avoided sports, not because I wasn’t athletic, but mainly because being with other boys made me uncomfortable. The cursing, the fighting, the winner takes all competition, didn’t sit well with me. But I am now seeing that those behaviors are part of growing up, what makes boys grow into men. I am learning to be more open, to serve, to share, to get to know other men better. In the end, most men are just wounded boys. This weekend I was fortunate to be staffing with other 5 men like me. I got to know them as individuals, and I will take part of them with me forever.

This is a biggie. I am learning to be more comfortable interacting with white men. I grew up in Miami, with mostly Hispanic people around me. I never moved to any other state with the country, I suspect because of fear of being different and sticking out. It was safer to stay near those who wouldn’t make fun of my accent. But these are all ideas that I have carried around with me, not the reality. During these four days I was only one of three minorities on staff, and I had some of the most meaningful interactions with men I would have normally shied away from. They were kind, compassionate and curious, and I didn’t feel any prejudice or being looked down. Regardless of our nationality or cultural background, we are all men who are trying our best to improve.

I am learning to be more comfortable talking about myself. Another big issue I have! I ask questions of others and listen well, but when it comes time to share my piece, I give short answers. This may come from my sense of self-worth. It’s a work in progress, and awareness is key. Those close to me know me well, but when it comes time to share myself with strangers, I feel I put up a high and thick wall. This time, a couple of times I told my story, and I am improving at telling it with emotion and talking my time (not rushing through it). I even told one man about my grandfather dying in the war in my country and how I felt about his loss.

There was much learning this weekend, and it involved much more than processes. I come away from this weekend with my cup very full. My initial intent was serving others, but in the process, I served myself as well. I come from this being a more accepting person, and this will be my intention daily.